It's all over

Ah'm pure stressed oot ma nut here. Jimmy's been dealin' drugs. That wee shit (excuse ma French) Fraser tried tae kill ma wee angel, an noo I find oot that we're up tae oor eyes in debt? All thanks tae Jimmy (I'm goin' straight Mullen) This is ma worst nightmare an' smack bang in the middle ay been given the all clear. I thought any minute I might wake up sayin' there's no place like home, there's no place like home. Fat Chance, well there's nae home for Jimmy in Montego Street;  end of . His claes are lying in a pile at the bottom of the stairs an' if he thinks he's comin' back it better be as a ghost 'cause if ah set eyes oan his baldy fizzog ah'll do time fur him masel.
       How could ye Jimmy? After all we've been through this last year? Jist think If I hadnae made it  through the Chemo ma wee angel would be livin' wae a lyin' schemin' drug dealin' faither. Ah jist cannae believe Jimmy would gie everythin' up fur a few quid, surely we could have sorted it oot, if he had just talked aboot it.
      Well there's nae goin' back, nae mair chances, ah cannae risk it. Ma wee Madonna pulled through this time but what aboot the next time? Well there's no gonnae be a next time, you've blown it Jimmy and if ah see you and yer moothy wee side kick Fraser yer gonnae need the Samaritans when ah've finished wae ye. You've blown it big time Jimmy Mullen. There's mair chance ay that Ian Gray becoming a sex symbol than you gettin' back intae may bed again.

POLITICIANS GIE ME THE BOAK

Aw hey jist hud oan a minute! Huv ah no heard this all before? Thon Nick Clegg is talking aboot gie'n the working class school kids a hand up so they can compete wae aw thae bairns fae Oxford an' Cambridge . Who's he tryin' tae kid? Thon Tony Blair used tae come oot wae aw that guff.  Him an' his 'Ah'll pit an end tae child poverty by 2013.'
    Well Tony boy  2013 is less than two years away and there's some bairns roon' ma close wae the erse still hingin' oot their breeks an' ah don't hear ye bumpin yer gums aboot that, noo that yiv moved intae self proclaimed world peacemaker mode.
    Wis it no TB who said he wis gonnae end the class system jist before he said that under Labour the Dome wid be scrapped. For auld lang Syne eh Tony; a wee ceilidh wae her Maj an' ah don't mean Madonna. Ah ye were some boy and that wee Clegg is a chip aff the auld block. Equality fur working class kids? That's aboot as likely as Topshop payin' their tax bill.

It's time tae think the unthinkable

        Ah know they meant well but it wis like the welcomin' committee fae hell. Ah wis glad when Bubba took Big Bob away wae him this mornin', that boy's face is trippin' him. He wis lucky tae get away wae just a fine. He needs a focus that boy an' it's no Iona. It's no me either.
        Jimmy's fussin' roond me like a mother hen, he's huddin' oan tae me like I'm an auld wummin' wae a gammie leg. And, he's worried aboot somethin.' Ah know him well enough by noo, he's definitely hidin' somethin' and no in a good way,  it's funny, efter one a ma pills ah dreamt that Jimmy hud brought hame a diamond ring, a big stoater it wis an' all, 'said he found it in the rubbish, wanted tae hand it in but the supervisor had taken a sickie so he brought it hame tae me.
        Anyway efter an hour wae that lot ah had a plan, it wis selfish ah know but ah wis goin' stir crazy wae aw their faces trippin' them. Of course Molly has been a god send, don't laugh she really has, ah jist wish Madonna would let me hug her, och, she'll come roond ah know, but it disnae stop it hurtin' wae ma wee lassie hidin' everytime ah look at her. Sometimes it just gets ye doon. It's the no knowin' . Ye know the future if there is a future. Anyway, listen tae me feelin' sorry fur masel' snap ootae it Scarlett!
        It wis great havin' the lassies roon', we managed tae put a few demons tae bed. That was until ah went an' dropped the bombshell. Molly took it bad, but ah knew she wid, how could ye think aboot helpin' tae end yer daughter's life? Theresa stepped in. At first ah wis delighted, Theresa of all people helping us oot in a crisis. I wis really comin' roond tae the idea of her changin' her spots efter all these years. Then ah goat tae thinkin' what if Theresa did me in jist so that she could take care ay Bubba? Is that terrible or were you all thinkin' the same? Of course ah couldnae help masel' Ah told Jimmy what me an' Theresa agreed, whit wis ah thinkin? Ah thought Jimmy wis gonnae kill that wee ned. Now ah know why he wis so up tight, he's gonnae be redundant. Jimmy loves that joab, oh ah know, the bins, who wid love the bins? Noo ah'm gonnae have him sittin' aroon' mopin'. Ah'll need tae think ay somethin fast.

It's a lottery

Okay I hear ye. The words I told ye so are ringin' in ma ears. You were right and ah wisnae. Everything wis goin' so well tae. Well that was until Theresa started the Slave auction. That woman wid depress a lottery winner. Look, ah know she means well but ah couldnae stand back and let her drone on. Ah think it wis the shock ay her actually wantin' tae raise money for charity that made me black oot.
       The rain didnae help either . Ah felt as if ah hud been slapped wae one ay thae sponges at the stall but ah wanted tae make an appearance, listen tae me, ye think ah wis a celebrity, anyway Nick Morrison was as good as his word ah'll gie him that. He put his money where his mouth is and he took a wet sponge right in the coupon. Ah know it's wrong but ah really enjoy seeing politicians gettin' a wee dose ay humility. Mind you his face didnae look as slapped as Robbie's. Ah don't know whit's up wae him but he's no lookin' too chipper.
       Dr Brodie wis funny, he said we must stop meetin' like this or at least ah think ah heard him say that. It might huv been the drugs. That man should start chargin' overtime.
       The truth is, ah'm really terrifed this thing is takin' over. You know when the  hospital staff are bein' that nice way aw the time, it's gettin' scary. Ah wish one ay the nurses wid tell me ah'm jist bein' a pain in the arse.  It wid gie me hope. Somethin' ah kin gie tae Jimmy tae keep him goin'. He neds tae be strong fur wee Madonna and Big Bob and the rest ay them, even Theresa.
Oh god here's one ay the nurses comin', she looks like she's just won the lottery. That's all ah need.
  

BALDY VERSUS THE WIG. ROUND ONE

Pink and gray; whit dye think? and no ah'm no goin' fur a bit part on 'The Steamie'.  Ah wis dreamin' again last night, ah seem tae be dae'in a lot of that the noo.  This time Dr Brodie wis chasin' me doon Montego street wae a pair ay scissors. He pointed tae ma stitches then he grabbed me roon' the neck an started cuttin' ma hair, then the polis turned up and took Big Bob away, ah remember the polis woman' turned intae the judge and sat on Big Bob and read him the riot act. Then she grabbed Big Bob's hair and it came away in a oner, he started laughin' an' aw, ah didnae think it wis very funny. Thank god ah woke up. One more night like that ... Ah think it might be the Chemo, either that or ah'm goin' doo lally . Maybe they should have examined ma heid at the clinic. That's the last thing ah need, men in white coats turnin' up at the hoose.
       Ah saw Ruth takin' wee Eilidh away tae the hospital. It made ma heart jump when ah heard the siren. The wee soul, she didnae look well at all, an' Ruth looked like death warmed up. Ah better get a card fur the wean, better still ah'll get her a wee toy.
       Well ye kin see ah wisnae up fur the survivor look at The Ship.  Ah stood fur ages  before I could pluck up the courage tae go oot.  Ah kept  goin' back an' lookin' in the mirror , praying ma wig wouldnae make a fool ay me, then ah said 'Buck up Scarlett, if Bruce Forsyth can get away wae wearin' a hair piece oan the telly then what dae you care?
     Raymond's been a wee star so he huz. Eileen wis ready tae launch intae a big speil in The Ship. That woman craves a crowd, she's worse than Lady Ga Ga that yin. Nick Morrison sucked the breath right ootae her when he came in and her gob wis shut. Still it wis a laugh in the pub and ah don't think Raymond wis complainin' aboot the extra punters. Well ah've opened ma mooth noo so ah better get on wae makin' this fund raising thing work . Ah'm jist hopin' ah don't let everybody doon. At least ma wig stayed on all night. One nil tae Scarlett.

Ah mean business

Well, the rumours are true, ah'm officially a baldy. That carry on at the Burns do, well that just pit the kai bosh on any chance ay me hidin' ma hair fallin' oot.  Mind you that soup wis so bland it could have done wae a wee bit somethin'  tae perk it up. Whit a day, ah start aff workin' in the Tall Ship and end up as Nick Morrison's spin doctor, whit were the chances ay that happenin? Eileen had a face like thoan Stella McCartney on a night oot. Anyway, we'll see whit he's aboot, maist ay thae politicians are aw style an no much else. Jimmy wis laughin last night, well efter he hud a good greet pitting whit wis left ay ma hair in a black bag.  He wis sayin' ah should start ma ain political party. The Cobs , Coalition Of Baldies. Ah think dealin' wae the smarm meister Nick Morrison will keep me busy enough the noo. If he thinks ah'm gonnae run along beside him noddin' like thoan dug in the Churchill advert he's goat another thing comin'   . Still , gie him his due, at least he didnae fling us oot ay the community centre. Ye need tae gie these folk the benefit ay the doubt, they cannae all be oan the fiddle. Well Scarlett, it's sleeves rolled up time, the community needs me, noo where did ah pit that business caird. Power tae the Baldies!

GETTIN' WIGGY WITH IT

Ah don't know whit's happened tae our auld postie, anyway disnae matter, the new one wis just like the auld one ; still the bringer ay bad news in a brown envelope. Well yis all know aboot Big Bob by noo unless you've jist returned from a fortnight in Millport.  Ah don't mind tellin' ye ah went ballistic at first when ah found oot. 'Ma brother, a pervert!'  but Jimmy explained what happened an' ah managed tae calm doon, good job an' all, ma wound wis seepin' a wee bit an' ah didnae want tae go back tae the doctor, ah've had enough ay hospitals fur now.
      When there's muck aboot Theresa isnae long in spreadin it, she came up the stairs wae the newspaper  yesterday like Usain Bolt . Ah don't know why anyone needs the local paper aroon' here, when Shieldinch has its very own toon cryer. Luckily Big Bob's got a good brief, well Jimmy seems tae think so, auld habits eh?
           Ah couldnae look at Big Bob's miserable fizzog anymair so it wis time fur 'Super Scarlett' tae take charge and fire him ootside tae face the music. He's gonnae huv tae dae it sometime an' the longer he wis mumping aboot the hoose the worse it wis gonnae get. Anyway when we goat doon tae the street ah bolted back up the stairs, well no exactly bolted, mair staggered, ah'll be glad when aw they stitches are oot that's fur sure. Ah wis jist in time tae see Iona slam the door tae the deli in Big Bob's face.
          Thae brodies look like they're gonnae be trouble, there wis MP's aboot an' ah don't mean the kind that huv duck hooses in their back gardens. Two soldiers wae red caps struttin' aboot like they owned the place. That leo must huv done somethin' war crimes maybe?
        Noo that ah've goat Big Bob oot ah'll need tae get masel' oot soon. Ah'm going stir crazy in here, nae wonder Jimmy's spendin' mair time in the pub. Still ah managed tae put a few loads on when they were oot, Jimmy's shirt collars wur pure mingin' mind you Bob's wurnae much better.
       Big Bob came hame wae his face trippin' him, ah think he's been tae see Iona and she blew him oot. Ah feel like banging their two heids the gither.
        So, it's finally happened, ah shouldnae really be surprised should ah? It's funny 'cause ye think it'll no happen tae you an' yet yiv been told that it will. Ah'm tryin' tae laugh aboot it, tellin' masel' it's only side effects an' ah'm oan the mend. Luckily Jimmy didnae see me in the bathroom a brush in one hand an' a big clump ay ma hair in the other. Ah started laughin' but then ah jist burst oot greetin' Ah'm gonnae huv tae phone that number they gie ye at the hospital fur a wig. Maybe ah kin even lend it tae Big Bob fur his court appearance.

Come on cancer!

Ah'm still sore an ah'm no eatin' much but at least ah'm back in ma ain hoose. Nae mair hospital food fur me if ah can help it . Mind you Jimmy thinks he can cook but his Cordon Bleu is mair Cordon burnt. Still Big Bob usually eats anythin' pit doon tae him, mind you he's been a wit bit peely wally since ah goat hame. Ah think he's jist love sick.
       Jimmy comes hame one mornin' wae a new car, well no exactly a new car but if he wants tae pit a coffin in the back it'll dae nicely. It'll no be ma coffin mind you; ah've decided ah'm gonnae beat this thing. By the time ah've finished wae cancer it'll look like Audley Harrison efter three rounds wae that other boy.
      The check up wisnae much fun but. That woman who came intae the out patients wae her dandy red hat gave me a wee smile, then she goes an' takes it aff an' she's baldier than ma Jimmy. Ah couldnae stop thinkin' aboot bald people after that, that wee Gail Porter aff the telly, aye ah no it wisnae cancer but she's been through the mill aw the same. Folk say it grows back really curly the first time. A wonder whit Jimmy would think huvvin' a bald wife.
     By the way Jimmy thinks ah huvnae noticed but they wee cogs are turnin’ in that baldy napper ay his, he’s thinkin’ aboot something, an' efter the visit tae the doctor he knows ah cannae gie him another wee one. He tries tae pretend that it disnae matter but ah know different. A wonder if he's thinkin' aboot fosterin’ maybe. He couldnae stop goin' on aboot Eileen and Raymond an' how it's gi'en them a fresh start. Aye he's definitely broody, well he can jist forget aboot it' cause it's no gonnae happen.
        Big Bob's face wis trippin' him again this mornin',  but he said it wis nuthin' tae worry masel' aboot Ah need tae find oot whit's eatin' him, if it's trouble wae the opposite sex...anyway ah hope that wee Iona is worth it. As long as he disnae dae anythin' daft.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

     Ah know this is gonnae sound daft but the operation, that wis the easy bit, ah hud nae control over that but noo there’s so much pressure on me tae live, an' ah don’t want tae let anybody doon. Ah don't mind tellin' ye, ah'm scared stiff. The other weird thing is everybody's bein' so nice tae me, even ma old maw, ah niver thought ah'd see the day when she didnae criticise me aboot somethin' noo she's aw sweetness and light and that terrifies the life ootae me.
     When ah came roond fae the op there wis a picture waitin' fur me fae wee Madonna, she hud drawn a wee lassie wae the sun and a butterfly, she loves butterflies that one. Ah mind when she came home aw greetin' a wee snotter cascadin' doon her lip, she says she hud been chasin' a wee white butterfly but she fell. Her knee wis aw skint so ah goat her a plaster ootae the medicine cabinet, it hud a wee butterfly oan it, ye should huv seen her face light up. She asked me how ah hud managed tae capture it and ah laughed, ah laughed so hard tears ran doon ma face and ah hugged her close.
       Efter a few days ay the family crowdin' roond the bed ah began tae feel like Jesus at the last supper so ah did. Their faces wur so pathetic it wis bringin' me doon so it wis time fur Scarlett Mullen tae take charge. Ah fired them aw doon tae the Tall Ship tae bring in the bells, nae point in them hangin' around wae their faces trippin' them, tae be honest ah needed a rest from the auld brave face routine. Jimmy'll be holdin' court in the pub right noo, he deserves that at least. Sometimes a wonder if ah hud been braver   and let the doctor operate sooner I might have hud a better chance ay gettin' through this, nae point in worryin' noo but ye cannae help thinkin eh?
      Jimmy'll be tellin' rotten jokes in the pub and Bob will be pretendin' they're funny. Theresa will be knockin' back a whisky an' singin' lullabies tae wee Madonna, at least she better be, an' Big Bob, well he'll still be pluckin' up the courage tae kiss that wee lassie Iona. An' me well, ah'd kill fur a good night's sleep, last night was pure murder, those drugs kill the pain aw right but ah end up gettin' nightmares aboot doctors and nurses scurryin' aboot the bed an' machines been wheeled next tae ma bed. The doctor's lookin' doon on me an' shakin' his heid an' ah'm shoutin' "ye cannae, ah've goat Jimmy and Madonna tae look efter , they cannae look efter themselves they need me but ah canne hear masel' shoutin and neither can the doctor , then they put a mask over ma face, a big black horrible rubber mask like a giant rubber octopus and everythin' goes black.
       Then ah wake up sweatin' an' ma hert's poundin' and there's naebody there, just the beepin' noises fae the machines. Oh Please god let tonight be a peaceful one ah say an' then before ah no it ah'm driftin' off again..
      An' then oootae the blue ah hear the voice of an angel, a bald angel that could dae wae a shave mind you but an angel nevertheless. Ah open ma eyes an sure enough it's Jimmy; says he's already been in the pub but his ears have turned a wee bit red so ah know he's no been anywhere near The Tall Ship, an' when ah look up an' see his big daft smilin' coupon ah know whit ah huv tae dae.