GETTIN' WIGGY WITH IT

Ah don't know whit's happened tae our auld postie, anyway disnae matter, the new one wis just like the auld one ; still the bringer ay bad news in a brown envelope. Well yis all know aboot Big Bob by noo unless you've jist returned from a fortnight in Millport.  Ah don't mind tellin' ye ah went ballistic at first when ah found oot. 'Ma brother, a pervert!'  but Jimmy explained what happened an' ah managed tae calm doon, good job an' all, ma wound wis seepin' a wee bit an' ah didnae want tae go back tae the doctor, ah've had enough ay hospitals fur now.
      When there's muck aboot Theresa isnae long in spreadin it, she came up the stairs wae the newspaper  yesterday like Usain Bolt . Ah don't know why anyone needs the local paper aroon' here, when Shieldinch has its very own toon cryer. Luckily Big Bob's got a good brief, well Jimmy seems tae think so, auld habits eh?
           Ah couldnae look at Big Bob's miserable fizzog anymair so it wis time fur 'Super Scarlett' tae take charge and fire him ootside tae face the music. He's gonnae huv tae dae it sometime an' the longer he wis mumping aboot the hoose the worse it wis gonnae get. Anyway when we goat doon tae the street ah bolted back up the stairs, well no exactly bolted, mair staggered, ah'll be glad when aw they stitches are oot that's fur sure. Ah wis jist in time tae see Iona slam the door tae the deli in Big Bob's face.
          Thae brodies look like they're gonnae be trouble, there wis MP's aboot an' ah don't mean the kind that huv duck hooses in their back gardens. Two soldiers wae red caps struttin' aboot like they owned the place. That leo must huv done somethin' war crimes maybe?
        Noo that ah've goat Big Bob oot ah'll need tae get masel' oot soon. Ah'm going stir crazy in here, nae wonder Jimmy's spendin' mair time in the pub. Still ah managed tae put a few loads on when they were oot, Jimmy's shirt collars wur pure mingin' mind you Bob's wurnae much better.
       Big Bob came hame wae his face trippin' him, ah think he's been tae see Iona and she blew him oot. Ah feel like banging their two heids the gither.
        So, it's finally happened, ah shouldnae really be surprised should ah? It's funny 'cause ye think it'll no happen tae you an' yet yiv been told that it will. Ah'm tryin' tae laugh aboot it, tellin' masel' it's only side effects an' ah'm oan the mend. Luckily Jimmy didnae see me in the bathroom a brush in one hand an' a big clump ay ma hair in the other. Ah started laughin' but then ah jist burst oot greetin' Ah'm gonnae huv tae phone that number they gie ye at the hospital fur a wig. Maybe ah kin even lend it tae Big Bob fur his court appearance.