Thursday, 27 January 2011
Ah mean business
Well, the rumours are true, ah'm officially a baldy. That carry on at the Burns do, well that just pit the kai bosh on any chance ay me hidin' ma hair fallin' oot. Mind you that soup wis so bland it could have done wae a wee bit somethin' tae perk it up. Whit a day, ah start aff workin' in the Tall Ship and end up as Nick Morrison's spin doctor, whit were the chances ay that happenin? Eileen had a face like thoan Stella McCartney on a night oot. Anyway, we'll see whit he's aboot, maist ay thae politicians are aw style an no much else. Jimmy wis laughin last night, well efter he hud a good greet pitting whit wis left ay ma hair in a black bag. He wis sayin' ah should start ma ain political party. The Cobs , Coalition Of Baldies. Ah think dealin' wae the smarm meister Nick Morrison will keep me busy enough the noo. If he thinks ah'm gonnae run along beside him noddin' like thoan dug in the Churchill advert he's goat another thing comin' . Still , gie him his due, at least he didnae fling us oot ay the community centre. Ye need tae gie these folk the benefit ay the doubt, they cannae all be oan the fiddle. Well Scarlett, it's sleeves rolled up time, the community needs me, noo where did ah pit that business caird. Power tae the Baldies!
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
GETTIN' WIGGY WITH IT
Ah don't know whit's happened tae our auld postie, anyway disnae matter, the new one wis just like the auld one ; still the bringer ay bad news in a brown envelope. Well yis all know aboot Big Bob by noo unless you've jist returned from a fortnight in Millport. Ah don't mind tellin' ye ah went ballistic at first when ah found oot. 'Ma brother, a pervert!' but Jimmy explained what happened an' ah managed tae calm doon, good job an' all, ma wound wis seepin' a wee bit an' ah didnae want tae go back tae the doctor, ah've had enough ay hospitals fur now.
When there's muck aboot Theresa isnae long in spreadin it, she came up the stairs wae the newspaper yesterday like Usain Bolt . Ah don't know why anyone needs the local paper aroon' here, when Shieldinch has its very own toon cryer. Luckily Big Bob's got a good brief, well Jimmy seems tae think so, auld habits eh?
Ah couldnae look at Big Bob's miserable fizzog anymair so it wis time fur 'Super Scarlett' tae take charge and fire him ootside tae face the music. He's gonnae huv tae dae it sometime an' the longer he wis mumping aboot the hoose the worse it wis gonnae get. Anyway when we goat doon tae the street ah bolted back up the stairs, well no exactly bolted, mair staggered, ah'll be glad when aw they stitches are oot that's fur sure. Ah wis jist in time tae see Iona slam the door tae the deli in Big Bob's face.
Thae brodies look like they're gonnae be trouble, there wis MP's aboot an' ah don't mean the kind that huv duck hooses in their back gardens. Two soldiers wae red caps struttin' aboot like they owned the place. That leo must huv done somethin' war crimes maybe?
Noo that ah've goat Big Bob oot ah'll need tae get masel' oot soon. Ah'm going stir crazy in here, nae wonder Jimmy's spendin' mair time in the pub. Still ah managed tae put a few loads on when they were oot, Jimmy's shirt collars wur pure mingin' mind you Bob's wurnae much better.
Big Bob came hame wae his face trippin' him, ah think he's been tae see Iona and she blew him oot. Ah feel like banging their two heids the gither.
So, it's finally happened, ah shouldnae really be surprised should ah? It's funny 'cause ye think it'll no happen tae you an' yet yiv been told that it will. Ah'm tryin' tae laugh aboot it, tellin' masel' it's only side effects an' ah'm oan the mend. Luckily Jimmy didnae see me in the bathroom a brush in one hand an' a big clump ay ma hair in the other. Ah started laughin' but then ah jist burst oot greetin' Ah'm gonnae huv tae phone that number they gie ye at the hospital fur a wig. Maybe ah kin even lend it tae Big Bob fur his court appearance.
When there's muck aboot Theresa isnae long in spreadin it, she came up the stairs wae the newspaper yesterday like Usain Bolt . Ah don't know why anyone needs the local paper aroon' here, when Shieldinch has its very own toon cryer. Luckily Big Bob's got a good brief, well Jimmy seems tae think so, auld habits eh?
Ah couldnae look at Big Bob's miserable fizzog anymair so it wis time fur 'Super Scarlett' tae take charge and fire him ootside tae face the music. He's gonnae huv tae dae it sometime an' the longer he wis mumping aboot the hoose the worse it wis gonnae get. Anyway when we goat doon tae the street ah bolted back up the stairs, well no exactly bolted, mair staggered, ah'll be glad when aw they stitches are oot that's fur sure. Ah wis jist in time tae see Iona slam the door tae the deli in Big Bob's face.
Thae brodies look like they're gonnae be trouble, there wis MP's aboot an' ah don't mean the kind that huv duck hooses in their back gardens. Two soldiers wae red caps struttin' aboot like they owned the place. That leo must huv done somethin' war crimes maybe?
Noo that ah've goat Big Bob oot ah'll need tae get masel' oot soon. Ah'm going stir crazy in here, nae wonder Jimmy's spendin' mair time in the pub. Still ah managed tae put a few loads on when they were oot, Jimmy's shirt collars wur pure mingin' mind you Bob's wurnae much better.
Big Bob came hame wae his face trippin' him, ah think he's been tae see Iona and she blew him oot. Ah feel like banging their two heids the gither.
So, it's finally happened, ah shouldnae really be surprised should ah? It's funny 'cause ye think it'll no happen tae you an' yet yiv been told that it will. Ah'm tryin' tae laugh aboot it, tellin' masel' it's only side effects an' ah'm oan the mend. Luckily Jimmy didnae see me in the bathroom a brush in one hand an' a big clump ay ma hair in the other. Ah started laughin' but then ah jist burst oot greetin' Ah'm gonnae huv tae phone that number they gie ye at the hospital fur a wig. Maybe ah kin even lend it tae Big Bob fur his court appearance.
Friday, 14 January 2011
Come on cancer!
Ah'm still sore an ah'm no eatin' much but at least ah'm back in ma ain hoose. Nae mair hospital food fur me if ah can help it . Mind you Jimmy thinks he can cook but his Cordon Bleu is mair Cordon burnt. Still Big Bob usually eats anythin' pit doon tae him, mind you he's been a wit bit peely wally since ah goat hame. Ah think he's jist love sick.
Jimmy comes hame one mornin' wae a new car, well no exactly a new car but if he wants tae pit a coffin in the back it'll dae nicely. It'll no be ma coffin mind you; ah've decided ah'm gonnae beat this thing. By the time ah've finished wae cancer it'll look like Audley Harrison efter three rounds wae that other boy.
The check up wisnae much fun but. That woman who came intae the out patients wae her dandy red hat gave me a wee smile, then she goes an' takes it aff an' she's baldier than ma Jimmy. Ah couldnae stop thinkin' aboot bald people after that, that wee Gail Porter aff the telly, aye ah no it wisnae cancer but she's been through the mill aw the same. Folk say it grows back really curly the first time. A wonder whit Jimmy would think huvvin' a bald wife.
By the way Jimmy thinks ah huvnae noticed but they wee cogs are turnin’ in that baldy napper ay his, he’s thinkin’ aboot something, an' efter the visit tae the doctor he knows ah cannae gie him another wee one. He tries tae pretend that it disnae matter but ah know different. A wonder if he's thinkin' aboot fosterin’ maybe. He couldnae stop goin' on aboot Eileen and Raymond an' how it's gi'en them a fresh start. Aye he's definitely broody, well he can jist forget aboot it' cause it's no gonnae happen.
Big Bob's face wis trippin' him again this mornin', but he said it wis nuthin' tae worry masel' aboot Ah need tae find oot whit's eatin' him, if it's trouble wae the opposite sex...anyway ah hope that wee Iona is worth it. As long as he disnae dae anythin' daft.
Jimmy comes hame one mornin' wae a new car, well no exactly a new car but if he wants tae pit a coffin in the back it'll dae nicely. It'll no be ma coffin mind you; ah've decided ah'm gonnae beat this thing. By the time ah've finished wae cancer it'll look like Audley Harrison efter three rounds wae that other boy.
The check up wisnae much fun but. That woman who came intae the out patients wae her dandy red hat gave me a wee smile, then she goes an' takes it aff an' she's baldier than ma Jimmy. Ah couldnae stop thinkin' aboot bald people after that, that wee Gail Porter aff the telly, aye ah no it wisnae cancer but she's been through the mill aw the same. Folk say it grows back really curly the first time. A wonder whit Jimmy would think huvvin' a bald wife.
By the way Jimmy thinks ah huvnae noticed but they wee cogs are turnin’ in that baldy napper ay his, he’s thinkin’ aboot something, an' efter the visit tae the doctor he knows ah cannae gie him another wee one. He tries tae pretend that it disnae matter but ah know different. A wonder if he's thinkin' aboot fosterin’ maybe. He couldnae stop goin' on aboot Eileen and Raymond an' how it's gi'en them a fresh start. Aye he's definitely broody, well he can jist forget aboot it' cause it's no gonnae happen.
Big Bob's face wis trippin' him again this mornin', but he said it wis nuthin' tae worry masel' aboot Ah need tae find oot whit's eatin' him, if it's trouble wae the opposite sex...anyway ah hope that wee Iona is worth it. As long as he disnae dae anythin' daft.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Ah know this is gonnae sound daft but the operation, that wis the easy bit, ah hud nae control over that but noo there’s so much pressure on me tae live, an' ah don’t want tae let anybody doon. Ah don't mind tellin' ye, ah'm scared stiff. The other weird thing is everybody's bein' so nice tae me, even ma old maw, ah niver thought ah'd see the day when she didnae criticise me aboot somethin' noo she's aw sweetness and light and that terrifies the life ootae me.
When ah came roond fae the op there wis a picture waitin' fur me fae wee Madonna, she hud drawn a wee lassie wae the sun and a butterfly, she loves butterflies that one. Ah mind when she came home aw greetin' a wee snotter cascadin' doon her lip, she says she hud been chasin' a wee white butterfly but she fell. Her knee wis aw skint so ah goat her a plaster ootae the medicine cabinet, it hud a wee butterfly oan it, ye should huv seen her face light up. She asked me how ah hud managed tae capture it and ah laughed, ah laughed so hard tears ran doon ma face and ah hugged her close.
Efter a few days ay the family crowdin' roond the bed ah began tae feel like Jesus at the last supper so ah did. Their faces wur so pathetic it wis bringin' me doon so it wis time fur Scarlett Mullen tae take charge. Ah fired them aw doon tae the Tall Ship tae bring in the bells, nae point in them hangin' around wae their faces trippin' them, tae be honest ah needed a rest from the auld brave face routine. Jimmy'll be holdin' court in the pub right noo, he deserves that at least. Sometimes a wonder if ah hud been braver and let the doctor operate sooner I might have hud a better chance ay gettin' through this, nae point in worryin' noo but ye cannae help thinkin eh?
Jimmy'll be tellin' rotten jokes in the pub and Bob will be pretendin' they're funny. Theresa will be knockin' back a whisky an' singin' lullabies tae wee Madonna, at least she better be, an' Big Bob, well he'll still be pluckin' up the courage tae kiss that wee lassie Iona. An' me well, ah'd kill fur a good night's sleep, last night was pure murder, those drugs kill the pain aw right but ah end up gettin' nightmares aboot doctors and nurses scurryin' aboot the bed an' machines been wheeled next tae ma bed. The doctor's lookin' doon on me an' shakin' his heid an' ah'm shoutin' "ye cannae, ah've goat Jimmy and Madonna tae look efter , they cannae look efter themselves they need me but ah canne hear masel' shoutin and neither can the doctor , then they put a mask over ma face, a big black horrible rubber mask like a giant rubber octopus and everythin' goes black.
Then ah wake up sweatin' an' ma hert's poundin' and there's naebody there, just the beepin' noises fae the machines. Oh Please god let tonight be a peaceful one ah say an' then before ah no it ah'm driftin' off again..
An' then oootae the blue ah hear the voice of an angel, a bald angel that could dae wae a shave mind you but an angel nevertheless. Ah open ma eyes an sure enough it's Jimmy; says he's already been in the pub but his ears have turned a wee bit red so ah know he's no been anywhere near The Tall Ship, an' when ah look up an' see his big daft smilin' coupon ah know whit ah huv tae dae.
When ah came roond fae the op there wis a picture waitin' fur me fae wee Madonna, she hud drawn a wee lassie wae the sun and a butterfly, she loves butterflies that one. Ah mind when she came home aw greetin' a wee snotter cascadin' doon her lip, she says she hud been chasin' a wee white butterfly but she fell. Her knee wis aw skint so ah goat her a plaster ootae the medicine cabinet, it hud a wee butterfly oan it, ye should huv seen her face light up. She asked me how ah hud managed tae capture it and ah laughed, ah laughed so hard tears ran doon ma face and ah hugged her close.
Efter a few days ay the family crowdin' roond the bed ah began tae feel like Jesus at the last supper so ah did. Their faces wur so pathetic it wis bringin' me doon so it wis time fur Scarlett Mullen tae take charge. Ah fired them aw doon tae the Tall Ship tae bring in the bells, nae point in them hangin' around wae their faces trippin' them, tae be honest ah needed a rest from the auld brave face routine. Jimmy'll be holdin' court in the pub right noo, he deserves that at least. Sometimes a wonder if ah hud been braver and let the doctor operate sooner I might have hud a better chance ay gettin' through this, nae point in worryin' noo but ye cannae help thinkin eh?
Jimmy'll be tellin' rotten jokes in the pub and Bob will be pretendin' they're funny. Theresa will be knockin' back a whisky an' singin' lullabies tae wee Madonna, at least she better be, an' Big Bob, well he'll still be pluckin' up the courage tae kiss that wee lassie Iona. An' me well, ah'd kill fur a good night's sleep, last night was pure murder, those drugs kill the pain aw right but ah end up gettin' nightmares aboot doctors and nurses scurryin' aboot the bed an' machines been wheeled next tae ma bed. The doctor's lookin' doon on me an' shakin' his heid an' ah'm shoutin' "ye cannae, ah've goat Jimmy and Madonna tae look efter , they cannae look efter themselves they need me but ah canne hear masel' shoutin and neither can the doctor , then they put a mask over ma face, a big black horrible rubber mask like a giant rubber octopus and everythin' goes black.
Then ah wake up sweatin' an' ma hert's poundin' and there's naebody there, just the beepin' noises fae the machines. Oh Please god let tonight be a peaceful one ah say an' then before ah no it ah'm driftin' off again..
An' then oootae the blue ah hear the voice of an angel, a bald angel that could dae wae a shave mind you but an angel nevertheless. Ah open ma eyes an sure enough it's Jimmy; says he's already been in the pub but his ears have turned a wee bit red so ah know he's no been anywhere near The Tall Ship, an' when ah look up an' see his big daft smilin' coupon ah know whit ah huv tae dae.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)