The cat's ootae the bag

Well, the cat's ootae the bag thanks tae Molly. Ah should huv told them, ah should huv told everyone, Jimmy, Bob, even Theresa but most of all Jimmy. Ah should huv known that buryin' ma heid in the sand would end up like this. That mother ay mine, ah couldnae deal wae her soundin' like Opray Winfrey. Ah bet she wis luvvin' every minute ay it, especially knowing about ma cancer before Jimmy and Bob, pretendin' she cared,  tears that wid make a crocodile beg fur mercy, dragging up the past, ah mean where diz she get aff eh? The next thing ah know, ah'm wakin' up in a hospital bed and they're aw roond me like Jesus at the last supper. Vultures over a corpse mair like.  Except Jimmy he looked like a wee boy lost; like he wis looking fur his mammy at the Barras.
       This mornin' ah saw a wee girl learnin' tae ride her bike?  Her mammy and Daddy runnin' efter her, ah wiz watchin' them fae the balcony, they looked so happy. Memories like that; they stay wae ye fur the rest ay yer life. Ah remember learnin' tae ride ma ain bike, ma wee Auntie Jean, she bought me a bike fur Christmas wan year, Ah hud jist learned tae go wan withoot stabilisers. Ma pal Agnes hud goat a brand new bike fur her birthday,  it wiz red and silver wae a wee gold bell, a wee belter it wiz. Ah loved ridin' ma bike, mine wiz blue an' white wae white handlebars, there wis nae bell so ah just shouted 'careful' before ah ran anybody doon. Ah loved it so much ah wouldnae even come in fur ma dinner.

     Madonna's a wee bit young fur a bike but she loved her pram an' dolly, she goat loads ay stuff, ah no ah no too much probably but whit kin ye dae? Ye huv tae spoil them don't ye? Ye jist never know whit's roond the corner.

        Auntie Jean's deid noo, an' so is Agnes, she goat knocked doon in the road, the wee soul, lucky she never hud time tae huv any weans though.. och listen tae me, that's terrible so it is. She wiz better off though, no huvvin' tae worry aboot anyone else and leavin' them behind. Ah'm scared whit will happen tae them all when ah'm gone, Jimmy wouldnae be able tae cope that's why ah jist wanted it kept a secret until after Christmas, If ah could have jist kept goin' fur wan mair day ah wid huv telt them in ma ain time.

         Ye know it's funny but when ah used tae visit ma Auntie Jean in hospital ah hated it.  Ah wiz scared fae aw they beepin' noises an drips and tubes hangin' aroon' the bed. Ma wee heart used to run away wae itself an' a wiz dyin' tae get ootae there pronto. Noo ah'm lying here feelin' aw calm and chilled oot, looking up at aw their worried wee faces,  an' thinkin' well Scarlett, it's up tae you now. You've goat tae tackle this thing head oan and come oot the other side fur the sake ay yer family because they'll never survive withoot ye and that's exactly whit ah'm gonnae dae, ah jist need a wee sleep first.

    
      

      

Doctor's orders

Last night Ah hud this dream, ah was lyin' in the dentist's chair and aw ma teeth were fallin' oot, then the chair turns intae wan ay thae operatin' tables an' ah'm lyin' there oan the table wae that big giant light above ma heid and I see a face lookin' doon oan me. Well, ah think it's the big one ye know, God.  Ah'm thinkin' this is it doll ye cannae escape, bye Jimmy, bye Madonna ma wee love, bye Bob and ah'm thinkin' aboot forgivin' Theresa and a voice says 'Scarlett, it's time' and ah'm sayin' jist let me gie Madonna a wee kiss first ' cause that thought aboot forgivin' Theresa went clean ootae ma heid...an then ah'm awake and it's Jimmy Standin' ower the bed wae a cup ay tea and he's sayin' whit are ye babblin' oan aboot wummin?  an' ah say whit? Ah wisnae babblin' aboot anythin' and he jist shakes his heid, ye know that way he dis when he knows mair than he's lettin' oan but he disnae push it, no until ah'm ready anyway. Ah kin tell he's gettin' fed up though.

       It's funny though, noo ah know for sure, ah feel better. That Dr Brodie, he wis practically stalkin' me , a right text pest he turned oot tae be. Ah'm sitting oan that bench an' he's babblin' oan, jist like the dream, bletherin' away aboot operations an' ah'm no listenin' ah'll make up ma ain mind when things happen. There's nothin' gonnae get in the way ay me Jimmy an' Madonna huvvin' the best Christmas ever.

      Let's face it, it could be worse, that carry oan in the pub wae Gina and Hayley and Jack, whit a mess, 'magine that lot throwin' away everythin' fur a quickie in the radio station. Ah should huv bailed oot Gina but ah couldnae, ah wid huv tae huv told Jimmy everythin'. Anyway they've made their bed, they better jist get oan wae it noo.

      Poor wee Maddie, she had a touch ay the dry boak , stage fright Murray calls it , no as much ay a fright as he goat in the pub eh?  Still she went oan that stage and made us proud, thank god Jimmy thinks ah wis crying wae joy, well ah wis in a way, ma beautiful wee Madonna. Ah cannae wait tae see her wee cheery face oan Christmas mornin' openin' up aw her presents. Ah jist cannae. Efter that they can dae whit they like wae me.

    

Last Christmas?

I know whit yer gonnae say; are ye mad or somethin? no goin' tae the hospital. Well ye might be right, but av goat a feelin' aboot this, call it womens' intuition, och call it what ye like it disnae matter tae me. Nothin' matters tae me just now. Well, that's no exactly true, there's wee Madonna, och I know I go on aboot her but she's a wee star in't she? Come on even Murray's face lit up when she sang, well almost lit up. Somethin' replaced the pound signs in his eyes anyway. The thing is whit dis it matter if I heard aboot the results today tomorrow or next week, they say no news is good news eh? I thought it wid keep 'til after Christmas . I didnae want anybody knowin' aboot it until after New Year. I just didnae want tae ruin it for everyone.
         Poor Jimmy , he thinks it's the menopause, thinks 'cause he watches they doctors on Daytime telly that he's in touch wae his feminine side, he means well, he aywis does, that man dotes on me so he does.
       The day, ah goat the shock of ma life, Dr Brodie got in touch wae me, personally. I couldnae believe it, he put the fear of god intae me. Told me tae get doon the clinic and get the test results, he wisnae for budgin' thinks he's back in the army that one, bossing folk aboot, that's whit he's used tae, gie'n orders tae everyone well ah'm no one ay his squaddies  but the results were naggin' at me anyway so I went and guess whit?  Ah wis right all along, the big C jist like Auntie Jean and Peggy. Well it can wait until ah'm ready tae deal wae it. Whit harm can a couple ay weeks make?
       And then whit dis Jimmy go and dae? Drags me doon tae the Oyster an there he is standin' in his old weddin' suit , that cheesy wee grin oan his face makin' me ma dinner. He's hopeless at makin' mince but I didnae have the heart tae tell him. I didnae want tae spoil it, nothin' is going tae spoil this Christmas, no if 'av goat anythin' tae dae wi it. Big C or no big C. we're gonnae have the best Christmas ever. Just me Jimmy and wee Madonna. There's just one thing, ah don't know how long ah can keep this thing a secret.

What's the Point?

I know whit yer gonnae say; are ye mad or somethin? no goin' tae the hospital. Well ye might be right, but av goat a feelin' aboot this, call it womens' intuition, och call it what ye like it disnae matter tae me. Nothin' matters tae me just now. Well, that's no exactly true, there's wee Madonna, och I know I go on aboot her but she's a wee star in't she? Come on even Murray's face lit up when she sang, well almost lit up. Somethin' replaced the pound signs in his eyes anyway. The thing is whit dis it matter if I heard aboot the results today tomorrow or next week, they say no news is good news eh? I thought it wid keep 'til after Christmas . I didnae want anybody knowin' aboot it until after New Year. I just didnae want tae ruin it for everyone.
         Poor Jimmy , he thinks it's the menopause, thinks 'cause he watches they doctors on Daytime telly that he's in touch wae his feminine side, he means well, he aywis does, that man dotes on me so he does.
       The day, ah goat the shock of ma life, Dr Brodie got in touch wae me, personally. I couldnae believe it, he put the fear of god intae me. Told me tae get doon the clinic and get the test results, he wisnae for budgin' thinks he's back in the army that one, bossing folk aboot, that's whit he's used tae, gie'n orders tae everyone well ah'm no one ay his squaddies  but the results were naggin' at me anyway so I went and guess whit?  Ah wis right all along, the big C jist like Auntie Jean and Peggy. Well it can wait until ah'm ready tae deal wae it. Whit harm can a couple ay weeks make?
       And then whit dis Jimmy go and dae? Drags me doon tae the Oyster an there he is standin' in his old weddin' suit , that cheesy wee grin oan his face makin' me ma dinner. He's hopeless at makin' mince but I didnae have the heart tae tell him. I didnae want tae spoil it, nothin' is going tae spoil this Christmas, no if 'av goat anythin' tae dae wi it. Big C or no big C. we're gonnae have the best Christmas ever. Just me Jimmy and wee Madonna. There's just one thing, ah don't know how long ah can keep this thing a secret.

The last post

'Feared tae open it ?' Ah want tae throttle that mither ay mine, she crept up on me jist as I got the letter from the hospital.  I jist wish she'd keep her nose ootae ma business, mithers eh? then she went oan bletherin' aboot wee Madonna in the nativity;  'Is she no the virgin Mary?' Like  the lead sheep's no good enough?  Virgin Mary? virgin' oan the ridiculous mair like.  Anyway, never mind the letter, they phoned me,  I've got a cancellation at the hospital so it must be serious, I'll know the results soon enough though, it's wee Madonna's day, no mine.
      Och ma wee girl, she's gonnae be the best sheep ever, she's happy bein' in the background , no like some of them , anyway what does it matter , as long as all the wee weans get a chance eh?  Her wee baas , she's been practising  and she can baa as good as the rest of them. Some mothers, they cannae see past their own; bummin' them up nae end.  I know Madonna's  a special  wean but ah don't want her knowin' that too soon, ah don't want tae spoil her.  The lead sheep;  well that's a no bad start, don't want her becoming the Virgin Mary too soon, plenty of time fur that eh? och did ye see ma wee Madonna's furry ears? absolutely gorgeous.
       But then I couldnae help hearin' the Virgin Mary had hurt her wee ankle I thought it wis divine intervention but they wouldnae listen, ma wee Maddie has the voice of an angel,  I don't mean tae be mean but we all know whit's goin' on there eh? that wee understudy Julie Slorrich, even her name sounds like someone wae the dry boak,  she's got the face of an angel but the voice of Charlie Chaplin, pity her mammy's got the bank book of John Paul Getty if ye know whit I mean. I know ye think I'm a terrible mither but I'm jist fightin' fur what's right, whit mither wouldnae?
          When I saw the nativity rehearsal ah thought gies a break! Julie Slorrich, a nice enough kid but  no way is she gettin' the gig when ma wee lassie is the best chanter in Shieldinch and I didnae mind who heard. I didnae care if the audition wis three o'clock, whit did it matter, what's done is done. Wee Madonna deserved a chance no matter what wis happening wae me.
        Well three o'clock came and went, ah wis beilin' wid ye believe that Murray turned up late? I could have made it fur my appointment at the Gynaecology but let's no go there,  anyway nearly an hour we waited, then Madonna, well, she sang like a wee birdie, I wis nearly greetin' I don't know if it wis her wee voice or me thinkin' aboot the hospital,  that Murray tried tae pull a fast one, that Mrs Slorrich, she must think she's royalty or somethin' spalshing her cash aboot like Imelda Zarkosi or Paris Hiltop or whitever their names are ? but me and Liz were ready fur Murray's carry on, girl power eh Liz? And guess whit, she got the part , ma wee angel is gonnae be the Virgin Mary, at last, something good happened tae the Mullens. I'll be able to sit wae Jimmy and watch Madonna sing her wee heart oot. I'll need tae get a camera , I need tae make the most of these wee memories, who know's whit's gonnae happen but at least Madonna is a wee star, nobody can take that away from me.

The Big P

No again, this is dae’n ma heid in!  I mean how hard can it be to get pregnant? For god’s sake I’ve had four kids (well, kind of). Let’s not go there eh?  That new doctor, he says give it time Mrs Mullen, tae be honest , I don’t know if he’s up to the job, seems nice enough an that. That smear test he gave me last month , well, let’s just say he wis a wee bit rough if ye know what I mean girls. That procedure’s no a breeze at the best of times, I think Dr Brodie might have been a chimney sweep in another life . Believe me you men have it easy.

  Thing is I’m beginning to get an awful feeling that it’s Jimmy, his wee soldiers seem tae have run oot of ammunition. Well, he better get a delivery soon or he’s getting fired doon tae the doc, nae  messin’

            I saw it on the telly that men in their  forties have erectile what dae ye call it?

and  it can be quite easily fixed. Seems hell of a young to be having problems in that department. I mean he wis daei’n  awright when wee Madonna popped oot.

            Am I jist being too greedy? Well I don’t think so , it’s no been easy this last wee while, what  wae  Bob  runnin’ after that  no good faither of his. I cannae believe he would dae that,  kids eh?  I blame masel, should have been honest, whit wiz I thinking? You jist do yer best.

            Sometimes I think we should get oot of Shieldinch, make a new start, gie Madonna some weans her own age to play with. Och  am so confused, ma hormones are all over the place, I jist wish that wee stick wid turn blue and gie us all a break.

      If I’ve goat tae listen to that Eileen goin’ on aboot how bloomin  up the duff she is I’ll throw up.

Mind you a did throw up a wee bit this morning, better jist dae one more check jist in case. Well girls ye would wouldn’t ye?

           

           

           

            

The big C

I know, I know, nae need tae tell me, I've gone and done it again. I'm pushing my Bubba away and you'll hate me for it but I cannae deal wae him right now. I cannae deal wae any of them tae be honest, , I mean who dae they think they are? There's Bob holding court in ma hoose like the United Nations or somethin' I know I got a wee bit carried away, I nearly woke the wean but they two, the wicked witch and the wicked bitch they've fair ripped ma knittin' and Jimmy sittin' there like a big tube I mean...Och I'm no even goin' there . Today definitely felt like the mornin' after the night before. I might as well have had a hangover I couldnae face anything tae eat. Tae be honest I couldnae think aboot anythin' else apart fae that  brown letter on the door mat this mornin'. Good job I got up first otherwise that wid have been mair explaining . It has tae be serious, I mean the same afternoon I'm sittin' at the hospital. How often does that happen? I'm no blamin' the Doc but he needed tae come clean wae me last week instead of tryin' tae pretend that nothing wis wrong. ye think a doctor wid know that ye can look stuff up on the Internet. I wish I hudnae bothered. I never got a wink of sleep thinkin' aboot ma Auntie Jean and poor wee Peggy, and now it looks like it's it's ma turn.

Och there wis a wee wummin' sat next tae me in the hospital , I felt like she wanted tae speak tae me but I just couldnae my throat wis that dry, I couldnae even look at her, she must have been goin' through what I'm going through. I jist thought, please let them take me first so I can get out of here and get back tae wee Madonna; wee soul.